Debbie Downer

I just realized that most of my posts are written when I've been feeling sad and, therefore, don't have a whole lost of positives in them. Boy, way to drag everyone down, huh?!

To be frank, this is how IF has me feeling most of the time so I hope you'll understand that this particular blog isn't going to be peaches and cream most of the time. Hopefully, one day soon that will all change. For now though, I hope you'll let me slide!

Ahhhh man, the normalness ends

First, let me start off by saying there is no news yet from Dave's SA last week. They typically take a week but we've heard nothing and it's been over a week. As I said before, I usually just assume we'll hear the same news...so one more day that I don't have to hear it is okay by me.

Last night we went out with a group of friends. You remember them, my group of friends that make me feel normal. So we're all sitting around chatting and having fun and, yes, I'm feel normal again. One girl pulls out her cell phone and shows a picture to everyone. Slowly, one by one, we all realize this picture is her pregnancy announcement. Surprisingly, it didn't hit me too hard and I'm going with the flow (still feeling semi-normal) until...ohhhh nooo...I get hit with the "are you guys going to EVER have kids" question.

That's where my normalcy ended. I just sat there as Dave rubbed my back and tears welled up in my eyes, speechless. I couldn't say anything...I didn't want to say anything. It was hard! I do like these friends a lot but they are "newer" friends and don't quite feel ready to overwhelm them with what we're going through. So I just sat there nodding my head and fighting back tears.

Just when I was starting to feel okay again. **sigh**

Dreading this week

Well, Dave had his monthly SA done on Thursday of last week. I was fine all weekend but am sick to my stomach today knowing that the call from the drs. will come sometime this week. I'm dreading the phone call, even though I've grown accustom to the same old news.

As much as I tell myself (and others) that I always prepare myself for the worst, way deep down I'm secretly wishing (and daydreaming) that one day, maybe just maybe, they'll call with good news.

Lots of my other TTTC "friends" have been getting good news and bfps. I just hope I can join that club soon.

bad blogger

I'm a terrible blogger. Sometimes I have nothing to say, sometimes what I want to say just isn't coming out right, and sometimes I'm afraid to say what I want because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (even though I haven't really shared it with anyone yet...haha).

Really, there's nothing new here. Dave will be heading in for his next SA on the 13th of the month. He has a follow up appt. with the dr. sometime this month too. I refuse to get my hopes for anything to come out of these 2 appts. but, of course, hope for the best.

I think both of us have been avoiding these 2 appts. because we can't take much more disappointment. The way we feel for days afterwards is never fun. It takes me a LONG time to come out of the funk when we hear bad news--usually just in time to get more bad news. Ugh, I just don't know how much longer I can do this.

Anyways, I'm going to try to be better at this...it feels good to "let it all out" even if I don't really have anything to say.

all good things must come to an end

Ugh! The emotional roller coaster that this IF journey has me on is really starting to get on my nerves.

In mid January, dh got another SA report showing nothing. Honestly, I had prepared myself for that report. I wasn't, however, ready for the dr. to tell us to "be patient" and keep trying well into the summer. The whole "be patient" line after years of dealing with this was a real slap in the face and it sent me into a slump. I was a miserable bitch, to put it mildly.

Finally, within the last few weeks, I've started to come out of my funk. In fact, I was actually starting to feel a bit "normal" for the first time in a long time. That is mostly due to the fact that we've been hanging out with a group of friends that are all in the same stage of life as us and are just enjoying marriage. Don't get me wrong I love all of my other friends too but this particular group of friends are mainly all about having fun and enjoying married life....having babies and raising kids is the furthest thing from their mind right now and, to be honest, that's exactly what we need at this point. Dh and I have also been going out on a lot of date nights with one another and are just really enjoying one another.

Sadly, it seems as if this weekend has put me back in a stupper (is that how you spell that?) though and I'm not really sure why. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I found out on myspace that an old friend, much younger then I and newly married...were talking months...is now expecting. Damn myspace! I also got an e-mail from another friend who knows were struggling with IF that talked the entire way through her e-mail about all of her pregnant friends. So for days now I've been sitting here wallowing and it sucks!

I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this. I'm so grumpy and sad. I avoid people like the plague and when I have to be around people, I'm just plain miserable to be around. I'm sick of crying and feeling bad. IF sucks!

A little background

I'm new to this so forgive me while I learn!

I decided to do this for lots of different reasons...the main reason being that I've kept this all in for a long time and lately have really felt the need to "let it all out." I also thought this would be helpful to let some family and friends in on what's been happening with us and may even allow me to find some comfort from others going through the same things. We'll see how it goes!

For now, here's a little background on our story:

My dh and I have been trying for what seems like forever now to start a family. I stopped counting long ago but it's been at least 2 1/2 years, if not longer. For awhile I thought it was just taking a little longer. Then, I kind of knew there was something wrong but just couldn't face what it was. Finally, about a year ago we started the whole testing process (aka torture). This summer we were diagnosed with MIF (male infertility) after an analysis showed 0...that's right 0...sperm. A later biopsy revealed there were, in fact, sperm but they weren't going anywhere due to blockage from previous surgeries as a child. My dh then endured a very painful surgery in hopes of correcting the problem. They were able to correct one side only and give us a 40% chance to start that family we so desire on our own. We are now in the grueling waiting process to see what the outcome will be. So far, the reports have all been the same but I'm trying to not lose hope (although it's hard). The drs. have been encouraging us to wait a full 9 months from the surgery to move to the next step (IVF, donor, adoption, etc) and so we wait!

So if you're still reading...that's us in a nutshell. Thanks for reading!